Just wanted to jump back in and let you all know that I am still here, still knitting, still weaving…
It has internally been a rough winter for me. Nothing major, just lots of little shit. When that happens, I tend to withdraw from the world. I don’t engage. Trying to “put on a happy face” makes me so damned tired that I give up before I even make the effort. I hide in my home with my wife, my pets and my bourbon, watching all the shows my wife can find and reading all the books I have queued in my kindle or stacked near my bed, and knitting all the things I can possibly just want to make – and doing everything I can to stay home. This is not terribly healthy. Well, you could argue that every one of those things are healthy on their own, and they are, but I tend more toward active, interactive and an over booked extrovert than a quiet, reclusive, introspective introvert. I usually need to interact with others on a pretty regular basis across many environments to keep my energy up and my creative juices flowing. The bad part is that I see it happening, but I have not found a way to stop it yet, or trigger myself out of it.
So, I sit, listening to the voice in my head (that is a complete abusive, degrading, gas-lighting asshole) berate me and prod me and remind me of my recent job loss and continued the job search and inability to find the stable pay and utilization of my skills that allow me to keep doing knitpunk, the lack of will power to get fit, the repeated errors and small fuck-ups that make you feel like I break everything I touch… there is the asshole voice in my head again, and again. Spending the cold and dark months fending off illness, trying to stave off depression and not give in to the emotional, mental and physical fatigue.
I know I am not alone. I *feel* alone, here in my home, in sloppy, food and bonfire stained sweats, but I know there are others that have it WAAAAY worse. Then I feel like a whiner. Like my battle is inconsequential. Like I am just being emotional and over-reacting, since that is something I have heard all my life as a woman. Why am I being such a wimp. Toughen up. Get over it. Chin up buttercup. . . . then the exhaustion sets in and the whole cycle begins again. Sometimes this happens in a blink of an eye and continues for DAYS.
“Vicious circle it is” says the common sense Yoda in my dork brain.
All I have left to say, right at this minute, is that it will get better. For me, and for you. We all have ups and downs and I know that spring, soccer, friends, and opportunities are right around the corner. Gotta have downs to go with the ups. Gotta understand the pain of it to really comprehend the joy of it.
With much love and of course, pyramid studs – Sundaze
(PS – I am fur-ever grateful to my pets that give me endless love, affection, and demand attention, whether I want to get out of bed or not. The photo with this post is my boy Ping. He is, in fact, helping me (sort of) write this post.)